Transcripts from Pizza's Actual Courtroom Examinations

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Ralph
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Transcripts from Pizza's Actual Courtroom Examinations

Post by Ralph » Mon Apr 02, 2007 11:32 am

> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > _______________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
> > forgot?
> > ________________ ______ _______________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
> > morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> >
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
> > voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > _____________________ ___________ ______
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> > ________________________________________
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uhhh.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> > WITNESS: By death.

> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
> > on dead people?

> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
> > School did you go to?

> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
> > doing an autopsy on him!
> > _______ _____________ ________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> >
> > ____________________________________________
> >
> > And finally.......
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
> > for a pulse?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
> > you began the autopsy?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> >
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> > practicing law.
Image

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Albert Einstein

Brendan

Post by Brendan » Mon Apr 02, 2007 5:28 pm

From a previous life in Olde Englund:

JUDGE: Answer the question! On the night of the 5th, did you sleep with that woman?
WITNESS: Not a wink, Millud!

living_stradivarius
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Contact:

Post by living_stradivarius » Wed Apr 04, 2007 1:12 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Image

Evelyn Laden
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Location: Irvington, NY

Court Room Examinations

Post by Evelyn Laden » Thu Apr 05, 2007 12:09 am

So, Ralph, at last I know who conducted these court room examinations! I would have never guessed it was Pizza. Having read these priceless exchanges a number of times earlier, I always wondered to whom I might attribute them. Now I know, thanks to you!

Agnes Selby
Author of Constanze Mozart's biography
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Jokes

Post by Agnes Selby » Thu Apr 05, 2007 2:41 am

Ralph, great jokes, I will file them for further reference.


...and Brendan, would "that woman" be Monica Levinsky by any chance?

----------------------

pizza
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Re: Court Room Examinations

Post by pizza » Thu Apr 05, 2007 2:49 am

Evelyn Laden wrote:So, Ralph, at last I know who conducted these court room examinations! I would have never guessed it was Pizza. Having read these priceless exchanges a number of times earlier, I always wondered to whom I might attribute them. Now I know, thanks to you!
Ralph forgot to mention that the above exchanges occurred in a single med-mal case, and that the jury enjoyed them so much they brought in an enormous verdict for the plaintiff. That case broke new ground and has now become the standard example in law schools throughout the country as to the value of humor in even the most serious of cases.

Teresa B
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Location: Tampa, Florida

Post by Teresa B » Thu Apr 05, 2007 5:50 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
The attorney could have used a little of that humor in a med mal case in which I testified (as an expert witness, not as the defendant, thank you 8) ) a few years ago.

I billed the attorney about $1000 for the hours I spent doing the deposition, talking with her about the case, blah blah blah. Well, she lost the case, so she stiffed me on the fee. I reduced it by 50% but she still didn't pay up and sent me a humorless letter explaining that it is common practice for doctors to waive their fees when the case is lost!

Teresa
"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." ~ The Cheshire Cat

Author of the novel "Creating Will"

Agnes Selby
Author of Constanze Mozart's biography
Posts: 5568
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2005 3:27 am
Location: Australia

legal jokes

Post by Agnes Selby » Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:04 am

[quote="Teresa B"]:lol: :lol: :lol:
I billed the attorney about $1000 for the hours I spent doing the deposition, talking with her about the case, blah blah blah. Well, she lost the case, so she stiffed me on the fee. I reduced it by 50% but she still didn't pay up and sent me a humorless letter explaining that it is common practice for doctors to waive their fees when the case is lost!
----------------

:lol: :lol: Thank you, Teresa. I will file this with the rest of the legal eagle jokes.

----------------

Ralph
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Post by Ralph » Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:38 am

Teresa B wrote::lol: :lol: :lol:
The attorney could have used a little of that humor in a med mal case in which I testified (as an expert witness, not as the defendant, thank you 8) ) a few years ago.

I billed the attorney about $1000 for the hours I spent doing the deposition, talking with her about the case, blah blah blah. Well, she lost the case, so she stiffed me on the fee. I reduced it by 50% but she still didn't pay up and sent me a humorless letter explaining that it is common practice for doctors to waive their fees when the case is lost!

Teresa
*****

Absolutely not so! It is proper and ethical practice to pay an expert BEFORE he/she renders an opinion so as to remove any taint of accommodating the opinion to the expectation of payment. Every law student is taught that and most lawyers with whom I've worked follow that practice.

I have never heard of an expert waiving a fee because a case is lost. Expecting a fee taints a witness since he/she has a financial expectation in the result.
Image

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Albert Einstein

Teresa B
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Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 11:04 am
Location: Tampa, Florida

Post by Teresa B » Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:47 am

Ralph wrote: Absolutely not so! It is proper and ethical practice to pay an expert BEFORE he/she renders an opinion so as to remove any taint of accommodating the opinion to the expectation of payment. Every law student is taught that and most lawyers with whom I've worked follow that practice.

I have never heard of an expert waiving a fee because a case is lost. Expecting a fee taints a witness since he/she has a financial expectation in the result.
Aha! I thought as much. Well, at least we can all rest assured I did NOT alter my expert opinion to accomodate that attorney. :D

Teresa
"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." ~ The Cheshire Cat

Author of the novel "Creating Will"

Ralph
Dittersdorf Specialist & CMG NY Host
Posts: 20996
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:54 am
Location: Paradise on Earth, New York, NY

Post by Ralph » Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:48 am

Teresa B wrote:
Ralph wrote: Absolutely not so! It is proper and ethical practice to pay an expert BEFORE he/she renders an opinion so as to remove any taint of accommodating the opinion to the expectation of payment. Every law student is taught that and most lawyers with whom I've worked follow that practice.

I have never heard of an expert waiving a fee because a case is lost. Expecting a fee taints a witness since he/she has a financial expectation in the result.
Aha! I thought as much. Well, at least we can all rest assured I did NOT alter my expert opinion to accomodate that attorney. :D

Teresa
*****

Of course you wouldn't but you were stuck with an unethical plaintiff's counsel.
Image

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Albert Einstein

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