Max von Sydow as an excruciatingly dull and uncharismatic Christ in THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, and Marlon Brando as an even duller and less charismatic Napoleon in DESIREE; these two movies accomplish the unbelievable feat of making the lives of Christ and Napoleon seem boring and without drama. Anthony Hopkins as NIXON, Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman as Woodward and Bernstein in ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, Jason Robards, jr, as Capone in THE ST VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE, Rex Harrison as Pope Julius II in THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY, Claudette Colbert as Cleopatra in the De Mille production of 1934, Clark Gable as PARNELL, and Errol Flynn as Jeb Stuart in SANTA FE TRAIL; none of these actors even remotely resembled the historical characters that they were supposed to portray. Angela Lansbury and Hedy Lamarr as sisters in De Mille's SAMSON AND DELILAH. Pernell Roberts, Dan Blocker and Michael Landon as brothers, and sons of Lorne Greene, in BONANZA. Blonde blue eyed Ingrid Bergman as a Gypsy in FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS. Red haired light eyed Shirley Mac Laine as an Indian princess in AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY DAYS. Blue eyed Chuck Connors as GERONIMO. Light-skinned Cedric Hardwicke and Anne Baxter as Egyptians in THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. Several white actors pretending to be black in BIRTH OF A NATION. Ava Gardner as a mulatto in SHOWBOAT (were the producers of that movie so blinded by racism that they failed to appreciate the exquisite beauty of Lena Horne, compared to which even Gardner looked homely???). Marlon Brando, Wallace Beery and Paul Newman as Mexicans in, respectively, VIVA ZAPATA, VIVA VILLA and THE OUTRAGE. Boris Karloff, Curt Jurgens, Katharine Hepburn, John Wayne, Susan Hayward and Joseph Wiseman as Orientals in, respectively, THE MASK OF FU MANCHU, INN OF THE SIXTH HAPPINESS, DRAGON SEED, THE CONQUEROR and DR NO--and all looking perfectly convincing when compared to Victor Buono's truly bizarre makeup in THE SILENCERS, which segues to the four most ludicrous examples of miscasting: Dean Martin trying to be James Bond in the MATT HELM series, pretty boy Warren Beatty trying to be rugged DICK TRACY, Madonna trying to be Sharon Stone in BODY OF EVIDENCE, and eunuchoid Robert Redford trying to fool people into believing that he was a worthy successor of Cary Grant and Rock Hudson (If you look carefully at his body language, you will see that Redford is always more relaxed and at ease with his male costars, such as Hoffman and Newman, while around his leading ladies he always looks tense and uncomfortable). Even more ludicrous, however, is the following example, which God kindly prevented from becoming a reality. Following his triumph with LAST TANGO IN PARIS, Bernardo Bertolucci was HOT; everybody was eager to see his next masterpiece. For his next project, he chose to do an epic about Tupac Amaru. The governments of Peru and Bolivia were naturally delighted at the prospect of a big budget feature based on the exciting life of that precursor of Latin American independence. Their delight, however, turned to disappointment, chagrin and outright anger when Bertolucci announced his choices for the roles of Amaru and his devoted Indian princess girlfriend: MARLON BRANDO and JANE FONDA. Bertolucci was obviously insanely in love with Brando; I would not be surprised to discover that he was Bertolucci's initial choice to play THE LAST EMPEROR.
Take it from me: no man has ever been born in Puerto Rico who looked anything like the Greek George Chakiris in WEST SIDE STORY, nor any woman who looked anything like Ukrainian Natalie Wood.
